Playing Little Miss Muffet

I was minding my own business this morning, cleaning.
Did I mention to you that I truly loathe cleaning? I try to make it quick and efficient, which cuts back on having to repeat it. I started from the top, sweeping cobwebs and dust off ledges... I dusted, shined, scrubbed, mopped, and finally ... vacuumed. I HATE vacuuming.
I worked up a sweat! Phew! As a reward, I brewed a shot of espresso, steamed a cup of milk, stirred in the chocolate and sat down to enjoy my mocha.... my very earned mocha. Total bliss! I think that half of the enjoyment of the mocha is smelling it, which I was doing when, out of the corner of my little eye I spied movement on the wall. I spun my head to the right and watched a 1.5 inch spider slowly crawling her way up my wall. I can only presume that I unknowingly evicted her from her home and she was relocating. Most likely to my bed, or one of my shoes, which is completely unacceptable.
Did I mention that I also loathe spiders? I might have mentioned it. Usually I freak out. Today was different because this was a mama spider and I could not afford to lose her. I grabbed a jelly jar and lid and helped her move into it. She was so angry. She writhed and squirmed in the jelly jar and I got a very good look at her belly, which sports a lovely red hourglass. Pretty, shiny Black Widow.


I think that she is one of Tori's Spiderbabies that somehow escaped the great cloud of death.
Guess what my family is doing later today?
Clearing out so that the Bug Man can do his murderous thing.

Stupid Things Said To Me

You know what you said. The words flew out of your mouth and there was no pulling them back in. Your round and round explanation needs to stop. I'm giving you a lesson of what not to say. You're welcome.

1. "Your children are adorable! Do they all have the same father?" I so wanted to go the round with you on this one... but it would have confused my kids. "why no! I have no idea who their fathers are! Maybe you could help me... do they look like anyone you know?" Did you not notice that they all look alike? And they don't look like me? That they are exact copies of my husband? Mind your own business, lady.

2. "Your children are beautiful! They must look like their dad!" Getting 5 kids ready on Easter morning took precise planning and was a brutal mission. Kids first, mom last. I realize that I only had 13 minutes to get dressed and made up, thanks for pointing my shortcomings out. Bless your little heart.

3. "Are those fake?" OMG, lady. Can't quite believe you would say that. I can't even remember your name, why would I share that info with you? I'm a bit creeped out. Touch, and you die.

4. "You'd be such a pretty girl if you would just loose some weight." You'd be prettier with your face rearranged. I could help you.

5. "You look nice today. What did you do different?" I can see by the look on your face that you didn't mean to say it quite like that. Good thing you hightailed it out of there. The flush on my face is not from pleasure. You were about 2 seconds away from receiving a scathing insult. Jerk.

6. "Is that your natural color?" Why would you need to know that? Will this knowledge make everything in your life fit into place, or are you pointing out the fact that I have too pale of skin for black hair? Cuz I already know. Thanks ever so!

7. "I work, and you just stay home all day. Why don't you be in charge of _________?" You are just so funny. Of course I will. What else would I have to do all day if you did not bestow this wondrous duty upon me? Guess I'll have to turn off the Soaps and put the bon bons back in the freezer. Never mind that I have 5 kids and an extremely busy life. Could you be any more stupid?

8. "Are you sure you won't change your mind?" I said no. Three times. Are you sure you have a mind?

9. "Women are too irrational to be able to be president." Whoa buddy. I make more sound decisions by 7 am then you make all day. Let me help you with one... choose to shut up.

10. "I tried to call you..." I have caller ID. My phone keeps a record of missed calls. I can tell if you called me.

Knowledge is power. Shush.